i’m not sure what the specific reasons where or at what specific point along the drunken all-nighter this happened, but at some point in the evening someone had a bunch of Star Watch weeklies in one hand & a lighter in the other. & then immediately following me picking up the Star Watch weeklies & pulling my purple lighter out of my pocket, someone else has their orange lighter out & is holding it underneath the outstretched papers. & then this is certainly an example of those magical moments when drunk friends come to the same idiotic conclusion at the same exact time, but then someoneA & someoneB are dragging an old, sweat & semen & vomit stained mattress out into the road, Star Watch torches in hand. & then the mattress is in the middle of the road & the papers are underneath it & stuffed into the one ripped-open corner & then that isn’t working, no, not at all, not near fast enough, so then both A & B are holding their purple & orange lighters to the frayed edges of the ripped-open corner & then yes, oh yes, that mattress is on fire. & then as a fantastic example of how drunk strangers will nearly immediately agree & condone the stupid decisions of other drunk strangers, it wasn’t more than two minutes later, because yes, that mattress really was on fire, & it didn’t take long to get the neighbors’ attention, because it was seriously ON FIRE, but it wasn’t two minutes later until some strangers half a block away come carrying an old, sweat & semen & vomit stained couch to add to the pyre. & then all the bystanders & drunks went back into their homes & read books like The Velveteen Rabbit or The Berenstain Bears to their sleepy children by the soft, warming light of the burning furniture. like motherfucking christmas.

but then the fire department came & ruined everyone’s holiday. & to further villainize others whilst exonerating myself & my cohorts, i would like to make mention of how i once heard from someone delivering the Star Watch paper (this in response to my question of how in the effing-eff i could get my name taken off the Piss-People-Off-Every-Week-With-Our-Lousy-Shit-Entertainment-News-“Paper” list), that the Star Watch is actually brought into the community & paid for by the Baker family. & for those of you who don’t live in Eugene or who just don’t know, the Baker family owns the Register-Guard (is it hyphenated or not anymore?), Eugene’s local (& also lousy) daily newspaper. so i blame the Baker family for my stupid drunken decision to light old, filth-stained furniture in the middle of the road. the Star Watch enabled the entire thing. the Bakers are a bunch of enablers.

the Bakers & pabst blue ribbon. i’ve said my peace.