brief summary

i’m gonna take a break from reading an internal sales assessment pdf for a wireless telephony company & attempt to overcome the mentally stymieing fact that i haven’t written anything, blog entry or otherwise, for nearly two months & see if i can attempt to jot something down here.

firstly: i’m not reading an internal sales assessment for fun. i’m not actually even reading the entire document, only pages 19 through 28. the internal sales assessment is work related, it’s for a job that the web firm i contract with is courting. the job would be sweet & i’m trying to learn a li’l something something about the client & their products/services. but it is an internal sales assessment. y’know, the type with CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION - RESTRICTED DISTRIBUTION printed in the footer of every page. these things are dull to those parties employed within the company itself; they are catatonic to parties otherwise associated. i had to stop for my computer’s sake, i do believe that if i read the phrase “vertical markets” one more time i won’t be able to contain the vomit to my mouth alone.

secondly: though i have successfully managed to tie up every day from here until april 5^th with work, after that things are going to change. i will be leaving the natural foods store whence i have derived headache & heartache, laughter & love, for the past two years. “leaving”? i think the word manumission is more apt here. which isn’t to say that i won’t miss it, because i will. this store has meant quite a lot to me. i was there helping it learn to crawl during its infancy, i was with it when it fell out of that oak tree & broke its arm, i was one of the first people it called the night it stole its first kiss. i feel indebted to that store & those people for many, many things, but it is also very much time to be moving on.

thirdly: it was only yesterday that it dawned on me that i might have forgotten exactly what it means to relax. it is amazing how quickly one can renege on aspects of their life both fundamental & essential, if given the proper stimuli. the right factors, harrowing enough conditioning, & things that once provided dear sustenance can become acidic to the palette. for these past long, long months, i had believed that i had found ways to relax; now, i’m realizing that i had mostly been cultivating methods of disengagement. be it born from whatever reasoning (& that is an introspective alleyway that i think i’ll explore solo), i have been inverting myself, prospecting avenues & nurturing relationships that while not wholly unhealthy, aren’t completely in line with who i know myself to be. regression of a sorts, yes, but also angry passion. ok, maybe i’ve gotten off topic here. how this relates to relaxing is this: i am a person who likes to relax, who likes free-time for friends & creativity, & i have seemingly been on a course to void my life of those things.

fourthly: all these readings of internal sales assessments, tying up of days & neglecting of the playful, relaxed side of myself, has perhaps finally started to pay off. i decided somewhere near christmas last year that i was going to hibernate for the winter. this was after months of debauchery. it has been a good hibernation, regenerative. & the debauchery was necessary, it was a form of catharsis, & it paved the way to where i am now. seeing things more lucidly, having a better grasp of where i want to be going & what i want to be doing.

fifthly: chimneys only wish they could smoke as much as me.

& sixthly: there is a lot of ground that needs to be covered here on cleo’s nose, & it needs to happen soon. here’s hoping that soon will be real, real soon.