Today was a very long day.

There are those times that once the mind machine gets rolling it is unstoppable. It all started back a week ago when an old friend came down from Portland to take the GRE. (well, I don't know, perhaps it all started when at a very young age I was pushed by a neighbourhood bully into the deep end of the Twin Falls Idaho Community Pool, this during swimming lessons, & while standing, three feet of solid water above my head, my swimming skills at this time not even close to being honed enough that they could be utilized in such a dire situation as my own drowning, while standing & watching the the distorted, obese, cellulite-ridden legs of one of the swimming instructors waddle towards me, it is right at this moment that I decide to drop swimming lessons & haven't ever learnt since. & you might say that it actually all started right there, with my refusal to learn to swim, which in so doing I, unwittingly, denied myself the closest thing to re-entering the womb us humans are capable of (re-admittance to the womb, of course, being the purest, truest & most carnal desire of all men), thereby denying myself the ability to love to love's fullest potential, which in turn developed into denying myself my absolute fullest potential in life, seeing as how life is all, & only, about love & the womb.) This old friend of mine, the two of us once made incredible plans together. You know the like, you made the same with your high school friends. While I'm not concerned about what those plans were, the idea is that we both strongly desired to quote-unquote do something & then, well for my part I've worked a good deal of deadend jobs, found a good deal of deadends while searching for the womb & have in general taken up camp at the deadend of life, while this friend is starting to make good on that broad concept of doing something. He's taking sturdy steps in that direction anyway.

& I'm just not sure why I didn't take those steps years ago when everyone else I know was. Sure, sure, it could be the fact that I haven't ever really been able to afford to, afford in the sense of money, time, energy (all that money, time & energy of my youth being exhausted on the search for the womb), but that just seems like a fairly empty excuse now.

But back to the mind machine. It catches up & surpasses you every now & then & today was the day. Everything just seemed like too much. While I have my apprehensions that I'm too old, that I'm too deep in the routine, that it is all too late, these apprehensions are the silent type of fears, those that can be found in the deepest recesses of the mind, the ones that keep you awake at night occasionally. Most of the time I feel like I can see where I'm going & that I'm taking the required steps now. But there times when nothing feels like it's working, when I find it hard to visualize anything except that memory of standing at the bottom of the Twin Falls Idaho Community Pool, unpenetrable water all around & above me.