a collage of how i remember it

Oklahoma City, late '80s

As my mom's father lay dying on a hospital bed in Oklahoma city, I & two of my cousins aren't allowed to see him. We aren't allowed to say our last, or to make our peace as best as seven/eight year olds know how for the simple reason that we are seven/eight years old. My grandfather is in the intensive care ward, strictly protected by two guidelines: no smoking & no young children. Period. There is no way to explain this, no one can rationalize this for us; no one could rationalize it for me now. All I understand is that I am not permitted to see my dying grandfather.

Southern Idaho, mid '80s

My mother is taking care of a baby borne immature. This child is a wreck, hopelessly underweight & brain damaged. My mother came into his care through the church we attended in Twin Falls, Idaho. The baby dies. The child's death is a relief for most involved, my mother, the baby's mother, other adults in the church. But I, as a young child, I cannot get myself around this idea.

Eugene, Oregon, 2002

My father's mother is admitted to the hospital for the last time. The morning she passes my mom calls me, 8 am.

"I'm sorry, honey. I don't know how to say this but your grandmother died this morning. I am so sorry."

Two hours later I go to work. The fact that this woman died as important to me as the facial features of the woman who drove the bus which took me to work.

Oklahoma City, early '90s

My mom's mom has now passed away, a few years after her husband. Her death seems trivialized by dramatics, the histronics this dead woman's children, my mother & her siblings, console themselves with. The grandchildren are just spectators, there for the show. At the viewing before the service I refuse to go up to my grandmother's coffin; I refuse to look at her cold, unresponsive body. My mother takes offense.

Eugene, 2004

My last living grandparent dies. My parents offer to pay for the ticket so that I can fly to Oklahoma, attend the funeral. On a cell phone outside a bar on East 13th I decline.